For me, and probably most of us, bereavement will be the most psychologically distressing experience we will ever have to deal with. Recently i lost 5 people i loved dearly within the space of 24 months More recently- a very best friend. Devastating. When someone we love dies, we feel grief. The death of a significant person is an absolutely devastating loss to us personally. Each one of us experiences grief differently, grieving is a very personal thing, and there is no ‘normal’ or ‘right’ way to grieve. influenced by many different Many things influence our reactions, including our age and personality, what else we have going on at that moment, cultural background and religious beliefs, plus our past experiences of bereavement, our circumstances and how we cope with loss.
As part of the natural process of life, death occurs. The sad thing is it can be anytime, not just old age. And not matter when it occurs to someone we love or know, we are always left with pain.
What are some of the feelings we may experience?
Shock
‘I can’t believe it’; ‘ I feel nothing.’ ‘Why did it have to happen?’
It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. The shock can make you numb, you may feel you’re in a different world. Some people carry on as if nothing has happened. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. Many feel disorientated and almost as if they have lost their place in life.
This section below is taken from here (also downloadable booklet)
Some of the feelings we experience
Pain
‘I feel such pain.’
Physical and mental pain can feel completely overwhelming and very frightening. The pain of bereavement has been compared to that of losing a limb. It doesn’t come back, you will always miss it, but you also learn to adapt to living without it.
Anger
Sometimes bereaved people can feel angry. This anger is a completely normal part of the grieving process. Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together
Guilt
‘If only…’
You may feel guilty about things you said or did, or that you didn’t say or do. It is important to remember, at the time, that you did not have the power of hindsight you possess now.
Depression
‘I feel so depressed, life has no meaning, I can’t go on.’
Many people say there are times after a death when they feel there is nothing worth living for and they feel like ending it all.
Longing
‘I hear and see her, what is wrong with me?’ ‘I go over it again and again.’
Thinking you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience and can happen when you least expect it, and you may find that you can’t stop thinking about the events leading up to the death.
Other people’s reactions
‘I think to understand it you really need to have been through it.’
One of the hardest things to face when we are bereaved is the way other people react to us. They often do not know what to say or how to respond to our loss. This is hard for us because we may well want to talk about the person who has died. It can become especially hard as time goes on and other people’s memories of the dead person fade.
COPING AND ADAPTING
‘They said I’d be over it in a few months’ but many people find it takes much longer to learn to cope without someone to love. ‘One minute I’m angry and the next minute I can’t stop crying’ and many people find the mood swings very frightening.
When someone close to us dies we have to cope and adjust to living in a world which is totally changed. Death is, after all, inevitable: that person is not going to come back. We may have to let go of some dreams built up and shared with the person who has died. ‘Today my life is different as a result of what has happened. The inner strengths that I did not know I possessed have come to light.’
After a death you may initially feel shocked, numb, guilty, angry, afraid and full of pain. These feelings may change to feelings of longing, sadness, loneliness, even hopelessness and fear about the future.
These feelings are not unnatural, or wrong. They are all ‘normal’ reactions to what may be the most difficult experience of your life. Over time these feelings should lessen.
Every person’s experience of grief is unique, but these are some of the things people often say when they come to us for help following a bereavement.
‘I don’t feel anything. I feel numb.’
The shock can make you feel numb. You may feel confused and lost. This should pass with time. You may find initially you can carry on as if nothing has happened. This is a way of managing the pain and loss and can help you get through the early days when there is so much to do.
‘I feel out of control. My emotions are all over the place ? one minute I’m OK, the next minute I’m in tears.’ Mood swings can be very frightening but they are normal. You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may feel overwhelmed and find it difficult to do even everyday tasks. It can be hard to concentrate. Some people find it helpful to throw themselves into work; others find they need to take some time out of day- to-day life and activities. Everyone needs to find their own way of coping.
‘I can’t eat or sleep.’
Physical reactions to a death are very common. You may lose your appetite, have difficulty sleeping, or feel exhausted all the time. People are also often very vulnerable to physical illnesses after a bereavement. If you are not sleeping well, you may feel mentally drained and unable to think straight. These are normal reactions to distress and loss, and should pass in time. But you may want to consult your GP if the problems persist.‘I keep hearing his voice. I’m worried that I’m going mad.’ It may take you some time to grasp what has happened. Don’t worry. It is quite normal to see the person, to hear their voice, or find yourself talking to them, especially if they were an important presence in your life. It can often happen when you least expect it, as if your mind has temporarily ‘forgotten’ that they have died.
‘I feel such pain. I keep on thinking again and again about what happened. I keep going over every detail of her last few days.’ This again is a common reaction, particularly where the death was sudden and unexpected, or occurred in traumatic circumstances. It is the mind’s way of dealing with what has happened. You may feel immense emotional pain ? Some people can find this overwhelming and frightening.
‘I feel so guilty.’
A lot of people talk to us about feelings of guilt ? for being alive, when the person is dead; for not having somehow prevented their death; for having let them down in some way. You may find yourself constantly thinking: ‘If only…’ If only I had contacted the doctor sooner, if only I had showed them how much I cared when they were alive. You may be constantly asking yourself ‘why?’ Why them? Why did this happen to us? Why didn’t I do more? Death can seem cruel and unfair. It can make people feel powerless and helpless. These emotions can be very painful to live with, but feeling guilty will not help. It is important to try to focus on the good times, and not to dwell on things in the past that you cannot change.
‘I feel so depressed. Life has no meaning without her. I can’t see the point of going on.’ Hopelessness and despair are understandable reactions when someone who has been a central part of your life dies. It is not unusual for people facing bereavement to think about their own death, and even think about taking their own life as a way of escaping the pain. It is important to talk to people you trust about these thoughts, and to remember that life does go on, and while there will always be someone missing in your life, there are many things that are worth living for. It may be helpful to talk through these feelings of hopelessness and despair with someone experienced in bereavement support or bereavement counselling.
‘I feel so angry with him. How could he leave me like this?’ You may find yourself facing family, financial and domestic responsibilities with which you don’t feel able to cope. You may feel very angry that suddenly you have to deal with all these things. You may feel angry with someone you feel is responsible in some way for the death. Anger is a completely normal part of grief. It is a perfectly healthy and understandable response to feeling out of control, powerless and abandoned.
‘Everyone just vanished after the funeral. Now friends won’t look me in the eye when I see them in the street, and no one calls round any more.’ Friends and acquaintances may seem to be avoiding you, particularly once the funeral is over. This is often because they don’t know how to behave or what to say. You may want to talk about the person who has died, and find that people keep trying to change the subject, or suggest that it is ‘bad for you’ to talk about them so much. Talking about the person who has died is an important part of the grieving process, and hopefully there are people in your life who will listen and understand, and be able to share your memories.
‘I can’t concentrate at work.’
People can find it hard to concentrate following a death, which may create difficulties at work. Explain this to your manager. You may be able to come to some temporary arrangement about shorter working hours, or other ways of helping you through this difficult time.
‘I thought I’d be over this by now. It’s been months and I still find myself bursting into tears.’ Sometimes it is just when you think you should be feeling better that you feel as if you are falling apart. In the early days following a bereavement, family and friends often rally around and it is only later, when everyone has gone home and you are left with your grief, that the reality of the death hits you. The physical and emotional loneliness can be very hard to bear. There is no time limit on grief. If you feel that you are struggling with your emotions or that you are not coping with life, then it may be time to seek help and support.
‘Since our mum died my sister and I row all the time.’ Even close family members who are sharing the same loss will respond differently to a bereavement. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and their own ways of showing and coping with their feelings, but sometimes this can be hard for others to understand. A death can bring people together, but it can also create huge tensions and strains within families. Conflicts can emerge ? for example, about funeral arrangements, legacies and responsibilities for dealing with the dead person’s possessions and property.
I don’t know how I’ll cope with the anniversary of her death.’ You may be particularly affected on and near significant anniversaries for many years after a death. Some people find it helpful to plan in advance what they are going to do on those days, to avoid feeling left alone with their emotions. Some people create a tradition of visiting special places that remind them of the person who has died. Others find this too painful. There is no right and wrong way to mark these anniversaries. You need to find the way that is right for you.
If you need reassurance, or information, or simply to talk to someone, ring the Cruse national helpline on 0844 477 9400.
Taking care of yourself
It is important that you take care of yourself following a bereavement.
One of the most helpful things is to talk about the person who has died and your relationship with them. Who you talk to will depend on you. It may be your family, friends, a faith/spiritual adviser, your GP or a support organisation.
Do…..
• Talk to other people about the person who has died, about your memories and your feelings.
• Look after yourself. Eat properly and try to get enough rest (even if you can’t sleep).
• Give yourself time and permission to grieve.
• Seek help and support if you feel you need it. Tell people what you need.
Don’t….
• Isolate yourself. • Keep your emotions bottled up. • Think you are weak for needing help. • Feel guilty if you are struggling to cope. • Turn to drugs or alcohol – the relief will only be temporary.
Helping other people
If you are supporting someone else following a bereavement ? Family, friends, work colleagues ? these are some suggestions that may help you, and them.
People who have been bereaved may want to talk about the person who has died. One of the most helpful things you can do is simply listen, and give them time and space to grieve. Offering specific practical help, not vague General offers can also be very helpful.
Don’t…
• Avoid someone who has been bereaved.
• Use clichés: ‘I understand how you feel’; ‘You’ll get over it’; ‘Time heals.’ • Tell them it’s time to move on, they should be over it – how long a person needs to grieve is entirely individual.
Do…
• Be there for the person who is grieving – pick up the phone, write a letter/email, call by or arrange to visit.
• Accept that everyone grieves in their own way – there is no ‘normal’ way.
• Encourage the person to talk. • Listen to them. • Create an environment in which the bereaved person can be themselves and show their feelings, rather than having to put on a front.
• Be aware that grief can take a long time.
• Contact the person at difficult times. Special anniversaries and birthdays, for example.
• Offer practical help.
LOOKING TO THE FUTURE
Life will never be the same again after a bereavement, but the grief and pain should lessen and there will come a time when you are able to adapt and adjust, and cope with life without the person who has died.
Many people worry that they will forget the person who has died; how they looked, their voice, the good times they had together. There are so many ways you can keep their memory alive. These are just a few suggestions:
- talk about them and your special memories
- write down your memories
- keep an album of photos
- keep a collection of some of their special possessions
- do something that commemorates them, such as planting a tree, paying for a park bench or making a donation to a charity
Stones that help with grieving:
*amethyst, *apache tear *Onyx, Rose Quartz*, Amazonite,* Jade* Tiger Eye*
